


Drive

by WastefulPhoenix



Category: THE iDOLM@STER
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 09:34:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10716789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WastefulPhoenix/pseuds/WastefulPhoenix
Summary: Sachiko. More like SachiNO.





	Drive

I’ve been called cute since I was born. Right now, I don’t exactly remember those times, but I have video proof of how amazing I was right out the womb. My light lavender hair, my cute red cheeks and even my cries of freedom were all complimented by those in the room. I was passed around as if I were gold and they couldn’t believe it. Indeed, I was the cutest thing in the hospital after just being born. Wouldn’t that mean I had a reputation to upkeep? Of course it did. If I was cute, I should remain the cutest.  
The word ‘cute’ was constantly fed to me throughout my life. According to my mother, I had even thought it was my name for a while as I slowly grew up. It seemed my parents were always proud of me from the moment I was born. My father was a surgeon and my mother was a less than known accountant. If I went out and said their names on the street, I would certainly get blank stares. They were good enough at their jobs that they didn’t need to be famous for our family to be well off. In a way, they worked in secret to make people’s lives a bit easier. I admired that very much. So, they expected the same from me.  
In Kindergarten, I remember a particular incident where I built blocks much higher than any of the other children. I think that was my first accomplishment that I’d ever been really proud of. However, the other children didn’t like it. Even when I offered help, most of them didn’t take it. I didn’t pay it any mind back then. I put my attention into those who accepted my help and taught them how they could be as good as I was.  
It was not until this afternoon that I truly realized what my purpose in life was all this time. Today, I took a simple mock exam meant for students a few years ahead of me and had gotten a perfect score at the age of 8. When I took it home my parents gushed over me with lots of praise as usual, rubbing my head and giving me hugs. Also as usual, the word cute was showered all over me multiple times, but this time it came with something else. My mother had looked over the math portion of the exam and told me that I was perfect. That ignited something within me.  
What made this particularly impressive was that I attended a wealthy private school. Our level of education was particularly higher than average and I still came out on top. Was I a genius now? Perhaps I’d truly been born superior to most people.  
“Cute and perfect, huh?” I stared at myself in the vanity in my room, practicing my smile and brushing my hair all sorts of ways.   
The perfect one sounded weird. As I looked upon the stacks of test scores and other things, I wasn’t quite perfect yet. Perhaps I didn’t quite deserve the praise immediately, but I certainly had the potential to do so. I just had to make myself as perfect as I am cute. I was sure I could match these two things up. If I had anything, it was confidence.  
Of course, the next day in class I had to show everyone how I’d done. I walked from desk to desk, asking others how they did, knowing full well that they hadn’t done as well as I had. No one here could have, after all.  
“We get it, you did well.” One of the girls that I think didn’t like me in particular tried to shoo me away once I got to her desk.  
“How did you do?” Of course I wasn’t going to leave. I came over here for a reason.  
“That’s none of your business.” Her toned turned a bit hostile as I waved my papers in front of her face.  
“I can tutor you, if you’d like.” I offered this from the bottom of my heart. If anyone here needed help, who better to help them than I?  
“Nobody likes a show off.” She turned her head away and ignored anything I said to her after that point.  
I think that mostly everyone liked a show off. Aren’t the most famous people in the world show offs? Those who win in sports, fights, or singing and dancing? Showing off is how you get people to notice you. She was certainly wrong there.  
My performance now was just me being casual about school, but as family, friends and teachers praised me I started to actively use my time to study and further perfect myself. In between or even during some meals, I’d idly flip through notes, making sure I was as familiar with material as possible. If I ever needed help, one of my parents would assist me if they were around.

Naturally, I flew through grade school without any problems whatsoever. I consistently ended on top and had made plans with my parents well before to go to the best middle school they could put me in. However, that didn’t turn out the way it was supposed to. I couldn’t attend for long. In fact, it turned out rather obnoxiously for me.  
One day, on a nice summer afternoon, my mother interrupted my studying for a moment, taking my hand before speaking in a hushed tone.  
“Sachiko, we have to move soon.” She came right out with it, not being the type to beat around the bush.  
“Why is that? Do they want Dad in a new hospital?” Of course, I didn’t think anything bad had actually happened.  
“There was an…incident, but regardless we have to move now. Which means you’ll have to go to a new school, but maybe you could keep in touch with your friends through phone?”  
I raised a brow at her at first, but I wasn’t one to be disobedient. It wasn’t as if I really had friends in my life to begin with. In fact, people more often than not avoided me, it seemed. I didn’t need to be friends with people who couldn’t fully appreciate me anyway.  
As for what the incident was, that didn’t really matter. What mattered was that I lived up to what my parents expected of me and I did better than everyone else in my classes. I’d just aced an exam meant for high schoolers after all, it wasn’t like there was a school that wouldn’t accept me with my track record currently.  
However, we’d moved to a more or less ‘normal’ neighborhood. I couldn’t say that I had no expectations after the fact, considering I was wholly disappointed by our new, normal dwelling that was nothing compared to our extravagant home before. To me, it was a new world that I lived in.  
“Hoh…This is rather…normal, right?” I couldn’t help but comment on it. To be honest, I felt like it wasn’t meant for someone like me, but I wasn’t going to say that part aloud to my mother, let alone my Father who had been spending his time moping around before the move.  
“You’ll do fine here, though you’ll find the competition rather lacking as far as academics.” She said it in a hesitant tone, shaking her head as she watched the movers put our stuff into the two story home.  
“Is there a point in being the best with no competition?” I looked over the rows of identical homes surrounding my own and shook my head. I was only hoping the students weren’t as boring as the scenery here.  
“Being on top isn’t all that matters. Remember to help those in need, Sachiko.”  
“Is there a bad thing in trying to be the best at helping others?”  
My mother put her hand on my head almost before I could finish the sentence, ruffling my hair in praise. She always did this she when was proud of me. Seems I’d said something right, as usual.  
My room was about half as large as it had been before. I had a queen sized bed with room for 3 more plus furniture before. Now, I was lucky if I could find a way to fit a queen plus my vanity and desk in here and keep room to walk around. Regardless of my immediate discomfort, I was confident that I would figure out how to make this place as worthy as possible for me.  
Even as I started to put my room together, small thoughts worth pondering were creeping into my head. What if everyone in my new school was well below my level? Well, of course that would be fine and dandy, but would I be able to make time to tutor an entire classroom? If I had to meld studying and teaching then… Wait, would I have to study nearly as much? Wouldn’t the education be the problem? Then, shouldn’t I have a talk with the teacher?  
As I started to consider my room a game of tetris, thoughts on how to help those around me came and went. If I was going to be the best by default, then I had to do my best to not only make it known, but help show others their own potential. I, of course, considered they couldn’t possibly be as perfect or cute as I was, but I could help them grow.  
That was my goal as the teacher introduced me to the class the following week. Naturally, I looked over my classmates as she spoke. They were as bland as the rest of the school was to me, but it was unnecessary to say that right now. I felt my smile alone would make the chipping paint on the wall run away in shame. Though, they seemed rather sturdy considering I had on my best smile at the moment already.  
“Why don’t you introduce yourself?” Our teacher suddenly gestured towards me with her hand as if she hadn’t already said my name once. That’s fine. It didn’t do me justice anyway.  
“Good morning, everyone. My name is Sachiko Koshimizu. I am here to help everyone in need. Please feel free to ask me any questions you desire during our breaks.”  
They’d been murmuring among each other beforehand and the murmurs only got louder. They were rightfully interested in me and it made my chest puff with pride. I was shown to my seat in the middle of the room just a moment later. To be honest, I was disappointed with my seating. Normally, main characters got a window seat. Was it possible to work towards those in this school?  
Once the lessons started, I immediately realized where the education level of the school was. If my memory served me right, these children were at least 2 years behind me. How was that even possible? Well, my previous school was also behind me, if I thought about it. I felt I knew everything here already. Maybe it was too early to judge, and lessons moved fast.  
As the day went on into lunch break, I didn’t learn anything new. Regardless, I took notes purely because I didn’t want to forget anything and look like a fool for one reason or another. As I took out my lunch and started to review my notes, many people surrounded me and started to swarm me with questions. Did they not know how order worked? I only had one mouth to answer things with.  
“Excuse me, but even I can only do so much at one time. If you could form a single file line besides my desk, I will happily answer questions.”  
My sweetest smile came with the command and they only remained baffled for a second as they formed a line. People were quite easy to command here, it seemed. Out the corner of my eye, I could see that some of the other students were just lingering in groups instead of coming to visit. There wasn’t much I could do about that, however. Perhaps they were just shy. I had never encountered a transfer student before, but at the very least I’d vie to be first in line on the opposite end.  
As the questions were mercilessly thrown at me the first several visitors, I created a simple system. Everyone who asked a question had their inquiry written down on an index card and I wrote my answer down on the back. They would then pass it around others in the line so that the same question wouldn’t be asked to me twice. Even if I wanted the attention, wasting my time would outweigh the benefits.  
The line actually dispersed much quicker than I thought it would. Perhaps they were so simple that most of them could only think of one good question to ask me. Regardless, it gave me time to eat and study and then listen to the teacher droll on about things I knew already.   
At the end of the day, I made sure to catch her in the hallway. There were things we had to discuss. I felt like my particular classroom was further behind than they had to be. And if she was the teacher, it was her job to bring about a way to teach effectively, right? I wanted to help her with that.  
“Ah, Hello, Koshimizu-san. How can I help you?”  
“I am worried about the current education level. I was wondering if you were having a hard time figuring out how to teach them properly.”  
For some reason she looked at me with complete confusion at first. Was I not straightforward enough with my statements? Maybe I should reiterate myself. As I started to try again, she cut me off.  
“Koshimizu-san, we have a curriculum here. Students are taught at particular pace in order to achieve our school’s standards for education.”  
“Yes, I understand this. If we work together, we could definitely make your class the best one here. Are you obligated to teach them at a particular rate?”  
I could see the irritation in her body language. Perhaps she was getting a bit frustrated that I was correct and she could be doing better, as could the rest of my classmates.  
“Koshimizu-san.”  
“Yes?”  
“You rose your hand for every single question I asked the class.”  
“Naturally.”  
“Don’t you think it’d be even more fair to allow the others to answer and learn what you don’t know?”  
“Competition is not about being fair.”  
“Education is not a competition, Koshimizu-san.” Her tone had gotten stern, as if she were my mother during the rare times I’d needed discipline.  
“Am I not supposed to work hard to be the best I can be in any setting? If I am to be better than everyone else, then I have to consider it a competition, correct?”  
“Koshimizu-san, you came from a much more renown school than this, correct?”  
“Yes.”  
“I also know that you’ve scored very highly as far as your general intelligence goes, but you must also consider the situation of the people here. Not everyone is as fortunate as you.”  
That last part caught me the wrong way. I wouldn’t say my progress was about being fortunate. I spent a lot of my time working for those grades. If anything, I was fortunate enough to have a family that pushed me to do my best, but the rest was definitely my own effort. There was nothing ‘fortunate’ about having the drive to work hard.  
“Wanting to be the best is not something you have to be fortunate to do. No matter how smart I am, it wasn’t as if I wasn’t ahead of my class. I searched for things ahead of my grade and learned. I don’t see why everyone can’t do that.”  
Finally, she went silent. She looked at me as if she were surrounded by fog and scared to move in any directly, lest she might fall into a hole. Was what I said all that outlandish? I wasn’t asking these people to match my own progress in a day. I was just hoping they’d put in the effort to do so.  
“I have a meeting to get to. Please try to make friends during class.”  
With that, she rushed off without a single goodbye of any sort. Part of me felt it was rude, but the other part thought she simply had no argument against me, so she decided to run. It didn’t matter in the end. If she didn’t want to help those in need, then I would try myself.  
Over the next several months, I’d noticed that many of this class weren’t moving forward despite a select few taking my tutoring. My annoyance with learning nothing and having no one to challenge me outside myself was creeping deeper and deeper into my heart every day.  
I started to study diligently in order to reach this point of perfection that would satisfy me. Though, over that time I felt my luck start to deteriorate as well. Sometimes my notes would somehow wiggle their way out of my hands and fly into the wind. So, I started to make copies just in case. The notes that flew away were probably going to bless someone else anyway, I had no more use for them.   
Something I didn’t quite understand yet were the people around me. It seemed they became more and more petty and angry as time went by around me. It made a lot of sense that they were bitter with me for being better, but why not try to improve yourself? If you sat down and put in the time, then you’d be fine, right? So, why were these three girls in front of my desk from every other direction yelling down at me?  
“Sachiko, we need you to fail the test or at least not do so well.” One of the completely bland looking ones said. If I could take her to my house, I could have her looking adorable in no time flat.  
“We can’t have you being the standard for long, y’know?” Another one with the only redeeming feature being her bright green eyes said to me.  
The third girl said something I couldn’t really make out that well. It could’ve been her dialect, or maybe she had a speech issue. In my current state, I couldn’t really help her with something along those lines, but maybe later on in life I could assist her.  
“The standard?” I started with my most adorable grin, taking turns looking them all in the eyes before continuing. “If you can’t meet the standard doesn’t that mean you should just study more? Aren’t you just being lazy about things?”  
I gestured downwards to my desk that had notes strewn all across it. To the average person, the most organized thing was probably my food and thermos filled with tea. It was lunch time and this was how I spent it. While everyone else considered it a break to chat with friends, I took my time to review things and eat at the same time. Why did people think they deserved to complain when their problems started with themselves to begin with?  
“We’re not being lazy. You’re just too smart. Not everyone gets things like you do.” The bland one grit her teeth and started to raise her voice. Seems she didn’t have much self-control.  
“Hmm?” I tilted my cute little head in confusion. “Then, you’re just not working hard enough. Instead of using your time to get work done, you’re yelling at me for getting work done. Though, I think that it’s too late for you guys anyway. I don’t think you guys were born good enough to be honest.”  
I gave them a smile from the bottom of my heart. This was probably the best smile I had. They simply needed to stop wasting their time trying to get past me. Even if anyone in this school managed to surpass me, I’d easily walk right by them with a bit of time. But, these girls in particular were mediocre at best. Perhaps, I could tutor them up to B grade students, but I couldn’t help just being better than them. It was probably why I was met with silence.  
“Tell you what, I’ll tuto—“ The chill that had suddenly coursed from my face to the rest of me had cut me off instinctively. As I licked my lips, I’d realized she’d taken my tea and splashed me before I could even react to it.  
Without even opening my eyes, I pulled a handkerchief from my pocket and started to wipe my face off. I’d gotten well used to things like this. It was part of the aura of pettiness that most in this class gave off. If they couldn’t have their way with me, normally some kind of prank would befall me. It wasn’t worth much of my attention, however.  
“As I was saying, I’ll gladly tutor you three, if you’d like.” I could hear the bland one growling as I started to gather my tea soaked notes into a soggy stack for disposal. This is what copies were for.  
“You’re so obnoxious!” The bland one exclaimed.  
That one actually caught me off guard. I’d never been called obnoxious before. What was obnoxious about me, exactly? That they couldn’t beat me? That was natural. That I looked better than them? That, too, was natural. Not every person is born equal and you shouldn’t be angry if you’re inferior. If anything, just keep trying at least.  
“I think you could be doing more with your time than trying to sabotage me,” I stood up, taking my wet papers to the trash, retrieving a mop and clothes from the small closet and starting to clean up the mess they made. “You could at least clean up after yourself. Things like this are why you’re angry all the time.”  
To be honest, it was a good feeling that they were so angry with me. Overtime, the aggression had started to make sense. A portion of my classmates were jealous. It was empowering, towering over people like this. I just had to keep on my smile at all times and do their jobs before they could even get to take them to show them how powerless they were before me. Even this simple gesture of cleaning up a mess that wasn’t mine must’ve really hurt them.  
In the end, they quietly talked amongst themselves for a few moments and then left quietly. That just left me with more time to review overall. I knew I’d done the damage I wanted to do, so there was no need to worry about them at all. It seemed they’d given up on challenging me for now.

The next several months passed without a major incident. The various attempts to get my acknowledgement had gone without me stooping to their level and I’d naturally kept up my rightful place in rankings. I had firmly placed myself at the top of this school and I intended to keep it that way.  
Though, the issue came one day when I’d just finished changing out of my gym uniform. Eight students from my class, including the three who’d been playing smaller jokes on me had caught me alone in the locker room. I didn’t pay much heed to this however, as I was much more focused on getting home and doing more work than talking to any group of people. The issue was that they blocked my way once I tried to exit.  
“Is there something you guys want to say to me? Are you here for tutoring?” I couldn’t tutor them here regardless, and I didn’t have the time. “You should just make an appointment like the others.”  
The bland one walked up to me first, looking down on me since she was a bit taller. Seems that this was some sort of confrontation. Were they trying to convince me to fail by numbers? Majority vote nor unanimous vote were going to fly with me. But, she stood there in silence instead. Thirty seconds of time I could be spending on my way home.  
“Did you forget how to spe—“ The wind was knocked out of me instantly. Even worse was that I couldn’t pull it back in. Ah yeah. This one was the bruttish type. No wonder her hits hurt.  
In TV and anime, you normally see people crumple instantly from a hard blow to the solar plexus, but it didn’t actually work that way. For the first few moments I felt no pain yet, but as seconds passed by, that was starting to change. However, my willpower wasn’t moving.  
Why would I lower myself to these people? I could hold my breath for an entire 60 seconds! This wasn’t going to kill me. Instead, I just smiled and hunched over slightly, holding my belly. If anything, this pain was empowering as well. They were so angry that I was better than them that violence was their option. Wasn’t that proof of how great I was to begin with?  
“A-are you smiling?” She almost sounded shocked.  
Of course, I was smiling despite my legs quivering and the actual pain starting to affect me. To be honest, this was the first time anyone had actually resorted to violence with me and my composure was starting to crumble a little as every second passed without air. My body clearly didn’t enjoy this as much as my mind was. If I could get my voice out, I’d say something else, just to try and distract her.  
“You know, my parents fight a lot,” She started, glaring at me as if I was the one who instigated her living situation. “And every time I come home with a bad grade, one of them takes it out on me.”   
This had nothing to do with me regardless of what it was. Just call the police. Wasn’t the solution simple? Call the police and spend time studying. Things you could’ve done with the time planning this little confrontation.  
“T…” Nope, nothing was coming out yet. It’d be nice if this feeling subsided before she hit me again.   
“You need to understand that you’re causing all of us a lot of trouble, Koshimizu.”  
For me causing these people so much trouble, she was the only person actually confronting me right now. Were they just going to watch? Perhaps this one was the leader and they were the sheep. If they were looking for someone strong, they should just follow me instead.  
“You…your fault…”  
My voice croaked out of me as I took a step backwards just in case. As flattered as I was that they put all this together for me, I’d rather them hit me somewhere else than my belly. My face wasn’t the only thing cute about me, but also my voice.  
“I don’t have any control over my situation!”  
She yelled and came at me much faster than I could react. It seemed I wasn’t as physically sturdy as I wanted to be. She’d taken hold of my beautiful hair and pulled me down so my face was just above her shoes. This hurt, but I wasn’t going to let her see that. In fact, what bothered me the most about my new situation was that I think she wanted me to prostrate to her, or even kiss her shoe.  
“You need to learn your place, Koshimizu. If you kiss my shoe, I won’t hurt you anymore.”  
This was stupid. Was she reciting movie lines or something now? How generic could you get? I think I’ve heard and seen this exact situation multiple times on TV before, but the difference right now was that it didn’t matter how much she thought she was going to hurt me.  
Of course, I stayed silent and didn’t move a muscle. As more feet started to surround me, my thoughts were more focused on the amount of attention I was getting than anything else. The more effort they were putting into trying to fold me, the more pleasure I was feeling. This is what made me different from them. I was strong and had the willpower to remain so.  
Even as what’s-her-name thought stepped on my hands and the feet of who knows who hit me in my sides, there was no stopping me. I guess, eventually they realized this because they slowly left the room in grumbling in anger and left me alone after a few minutes. It wasn’t until they were safely gone that I painfully stood and propped myself against one of the lockers.  
My body very much wasn’t enjoying this as much as my mind was. I was quivering and my heart was racing. There was no question about whether or not the places under my uniform would bruise and it seemed my fingers were starting to swell. But, who cared about all that? They hadn’t managed to touch my beautiful face. Sure, my hair was a little disheveled, but that was an easy fix.  
“Well, that was time consuming…”  
That was valuable time spent letting people praise me in their own special way. Well, I couldn’t let their efforts go to waste, could I? I had a reputation to upkeep. Could I consider these people fans of me, actually? Of course I could. I had to return their efforts.  
Slowly and painfully, I made my way home. Luckily, my parents came home rather late these days, so I had time to clean myself up and tend to my fingers the best I could. The bruising was definitely there, but they seemed to have stuck to places that the uniform covered. For people who thought they were stupid, they put an odd amount of effort into things that didn’t benefit them. If they could’ve just used that time to make some changes, they wouldn’t stay in this cycle.  
When I got to my desk and tried to take up my pencil, the pain caused it to slip through my fingers completely. Seems they intentionally targeted my left hand, huh? That was fine. My right hand was relatively okay; I’d just make do with that.  
The attitude that I could make my way through anything they did to me certainly stuck with me, even as my classmate’s attacks got more and more…aggressive. The pranks came more and more often and with that I just got more and more sturdy as time went on. But, inside it was starting annoy me.  
The physical stuff was getting on my nerves. It was starting to get hard to use my hands sometimes. Perhaps I should fight them back? But, that would risk my position in the school, I probably wouldn’t win outright to the brute anyway. I’d never actually gotten into a fight and I’d rather keep my face intact.  
The other thing that was annoying me was the lack of competition. Along with my dull home came this dull school. Everything in the cafeteria was bad, the students were mostly subpar and the teachers weren’t showing me anything I hadn’t previously learned. I was truly becoming frustrated with just coming to school every day.  
A thought was starting to creep in my head as we approached summer. It wasn’t one I wanted to listen to, but it was always in the back of my mind. I was wondering whether or not I should slow down on my progress even a little if it would get them to stop hurting me. The thought itself disgusted me, but a bit of freedom from the harassment was also an option.  
As we moved on towards final exams, even though my test scores didn’t dip, I’d started to put a little less attention on myself. My hand went up to answer questions less, and I didn’t talk as much as I normally would. In direct response, I wasn’t attacked very much for a while, but one week before exams started, the usual three paid me another visit at my desk.  
“Hey, Koshimizu. We need you to—“  
“I refuse. Your abuse has nothing to do with me, neither does the rest of your problems.”  
I wasn’t smiling this time. Today was a particularly frustrating day since I’d had a talk with my Father this morning about the nature of us moving here to begin with. He’d made a mistake during a surgery and hurt someone permanently. I was naturally blaming him for my current lack of satisfaction with my living situation.  
“Oh? Do you suddenly have as much muscle as you have brain?”  
Everything this girl said was annoying to me. I was starting to wondering exactly why they were always on my back. Wasn’t there someone else out there for them to jump on? Were they so obsessed with failing to one-up me that they couldn’t even spare the time for themselves?  
“If I evened out my muscle with my brain, I’d still be hundreds of times better than everyone in this school combined.”  
“You should watch who you’re talking to, Koshimizu…”  
“Hmmm? Let me remind you who is in control here, what’s-your-name.”  
I stood, raising my hands to gesture towards everyone else sitting in class that was eating besides us. If she was going to do something, there had to be one good soul in here that would assist me. I’d tutored some of these students, that had to count for something.  
“No one here even likes you, Koshimizu.”  
“In the words of my mother, ‘Being liked isn’t important, only that you help others’.”  
“Yet you’re—“  
“Causing your troubles at home? Not at all,” Anger was weaving its way into my responses now, causing everything to come out hostile. She was right about no one here really liking me. I hadn’t made any more friends here than I had in my old school. “You’re too weak to get by me, so you decide to threaten me. I’ve offered to help you time and time again. Why are you attacking me about a problem you could fix yourself? Or maybe, you think you deserve whatever your parents are doing to you?”  
“I—“  
“Look…” I lifted part of my skirt and the hem of my shirt without any shame whatsoever. I wanted to show her the bruises I had. “The difference between us is that I’m strong. All this that you’re doing to me and I’m still standing. You’re not even trying to climb the ladder; you’re just trying to shake me off. I guess someone of your calib—“  
I was expecting her to come at me this time, so I was ready. The swipe for my collar to restrain me had become her usual bit, so I’d simply stepped to the side out of it. I’d been working on physicality lately, so I was much faster than I was a few months ago. As she growled, I just smiled at her proudly.  
“See—“  
Next thing I knew I was staring at a white ceiling. I couldn’t think or understand exactly what was had just happened to me, but I knew I was on my back. My eyelids blinked slowly and my eyeballs moved only a little faster. Everything felt very bright, so I shut them pretty soon. I felt like I’d woken up late at night and suddenly had a flashlight in my eyes. It hurt.  
As my senses started to come together, a very irritating beeping was coming to my attention. It was very steady and rhythmic, but I couldn’t quite place why I thought it sounded so familiar. I was lying on something soft, so maybe I’d had a hard day at school, fell asleep, and had forgotten to turn the lights off. It was rare for my memory to be this hazy.  
This also didn’t feel like the bed I’d been sleeping on at all. That probably meant that I wasn’t home. Wait, if that was the case then where was I? Slowly, I opened my eyes again and fought through the lights that seemed very intent on blinding me. Soon, things became clear and I gradually could look around the room.  
“Ah…” This was definitely not my room.   
The reason why that beeping was so familiar was because it was a heartrate monitor. Looking myself over to the best of my ability, I was putting some pieces together. I was certainly in a hospital, for one. Upon testing my limbs, I found I wasn’t exactly paralyzed more than sluggish. The small tubes connected to me swayed as I lightly wiggled my fingers and joints.  
Whatever had happened to me that put me in here must’ve been worthy of praise. It wasn’t every day that something was powerful enough to take me down. The question was, what had put me here and how long? I had finales coming up, so could only miss so many days or I’d be forced to retake the year.   
So, in attempt to get some answers, I found the buzzer on my side and was quickly greeted with a nurse that could’ve possibly rivaled my cuteness, but not quite.  
“Oh, you’re awake, Ms.Koshimizu. I’ll get the doctor to come fill you in. One moment.”  
She left as quickly as she came without waiting for a word from me. I personally felt that was quite rude, but if she was going to get someone higher on the food chain, I could forgive her.  
Once the doctor roamed in, I was finally given a familiar sight. Seemed the man watching over me was my father. That was convenient. If there was anyone I could trust with telling me what had happened, it was him.  
“Good Morning, dear.” He pulled up a chair and sat down beside me, stroking my bandaged head. He had no idea I was actually kind of angry with him, but there was nothing we could do about that anyway.  
“Good morning, Father. Why am I in a hospital?”  
“It seems a classmate struck you and you hit your head on a desk pretty hard. You went unconscious and were bleeding...”  
For once, I was actually speechless… I think that I genuinely didn’t expect them to ever hurt me enough to put me in a hospital. Well, it was much less them, than what’s-her-face. I’d heard her name a few times and still never bothered to commit it to memory. This was much more fun anyway. Quietly, I nodded.  
What was most worrying about this situation was that I was naked beneath this gown. Which meant someone had undressed me. Even more strong than the embarrassment I was feeling at someone seeing every part of me was the bruises and other injuries having been reported to my parents.  
“Sachiko….” My father started in a very reluctant tone. Maybe he didn’t want to know why I looked like this, but I’d be proud to tell him.   
“Yes?” But, part of me wanted to keep it a secret still. Just in case. He had his own share of problems and I felt as if I was helping if I could lessen his load.  
“You…had bruises all over you, Sachiko… Are you getting into fights?”  
“Of course not, Father. I would never lower myself to the level of those inferior to me. They felt that I was so superior that they had to resort to violence over these past few months. But, I didn’t back down from them. I kept my grades up and everything. I was the good girl you raised me to be.”   
I smiled with every bit of strength I could muster. I was very proud of myself that no matter how hard it had gotten to deal with all of that, I stayed true to my performance at least. Even if I backed off only slightly, my grades didn’t move. I helped those who wanted it and I tried to lead by example.  
But, maybe my father didn’t feel the same way… The response I’d expected was a headpat or a compliment, but neither came. Instead I was met with tears that I didn’t understand and a hand that cupped my cheek as if pitying me. Things I’d never once seen my father do in my life. Had I done something wrong?  
“We spent so much time working that we didn’t even see you were in pain, Sachiko. I’m so sorry…”  
“Ah, Father, no. I wasn’t in much pain at all. I did what you taught me. Help those in need and be the best, right?”  
I couldn’t understand why he was crying. I had been listening to them correctly this entire time, right? I had done anything wrong, right? Right? Did I misinterpret something they were trying to teach me somewhere along the line?  
“We weren’t…. trying to teach you to be a wall, Sachiko. We just wanted you to be…strong, but not this strong. You shouldn’t have to take abuse just to prove you’re above people. Why didn’t you tell anyone?”  
My brows furrowed as I listened to his words. Being strong meant simply being strong, right? What I was doing wasn’t about proving I was above them. There was no need to prove something I already knew.  
“I was helping people. I didn’t want you two to worry about me. Don’t worry, father. I’ll be out of this bed and back in school in no time. You told me before that this kinda thing was a concussion, right? How long have I been here?”  
“Sachiko. It doesn’t seem like you were helping people at all,” His voice was stern. The way he said it made it seem like it was a fact that I was causing problems in the school. Because I had never been spoken to in that tone before, I had frozen. It was as if he’d sentenced me to death.   
“I..tutored….” My willpower forced the words out of my throat for me. I didn’t want to be told I was wrong after all of this.  
“I spoke with your teacher, Sachiko. She says you’ve done nothing but antagonize the students since you’ve been there. The students you tutored are doing well, but…”  
“Then, that enough, right!” I sat up. Some sort of desperation was driving me now instead of willpower. I wasn’t going to let all my work up until now be destroyed. “Mother says that it isn’t important to be liked. If I can help people, that’s fine, right?”  
“Sachiko…Why are you helping them to begin with?”  
“I….” When I tried to imagine my drive for helping people, I couldn’t think of anything. When I’d asked my mother and father a few years ago what their reasons were, they were simple. My father enjoyed keeping people alive and my mother knew the importance of money, so she tried her best to keep people on their feet.  
“What do you feel after they do something well, or when they achieve something you’ve taught them?”  
“They’ll never be better than me anyway,” I whispered the words while looking at my hands if I’d just murdered someone.  
I knew the answer because it was always the thought that came into my head. I’d been speaking these words and acting on those emotions all this time without truly realizing what the driving factor was all this time. Didn’t that just make me a sadist? I’d truly been missing the point of what my parents were telling me all this time, hadn’t I?  
“Where did we go wrong…. Helping people isn’t about proving your superiority, Sachiko. It’s about being kindhearted and wanting to see growth.”  
I don’t know when the last time I cried was, but as he wrapped his arms around me, I tossed around his last few words in my head. I wonder if he was misinterpreting what these tears were for… I did not regret my reasoning for helping others. I was proud that I had any kind of drive at all. These tears were coming from my failure of understanding what was trying to be taught to me and the stress it no doubt was bringing my parents now.  
I was so angry with myself that I squeezed my father back with all the power that the drugs in my system allowed me. No, I wasn’t wrong in what I was doing all this time. My wanting to improve myself wasn’t a problem. Growing people around me attempt to get competition wasn’t a problem.  
Father assuming that they had gone wrong somewhere raising me poked and prodded at my mind. It was not their fault that I had come out differently than intended personality wise. I was still the cutest thing out there, but as far as perfection went, I was missing it. I was missing it entirely.  
After Father had left, I had started to get my energy back over the next several hours once the IV’s had been removed and I’d gotten real food into my body. It seemed that I’d only been here for two days, so I probably wasn’t going to miss my finals. That weight off my back, I started to get my thoughts together as I flicked on the TV.  
I clearly needed to work harder at understanding things. In order to do that, I’d probably need to interact with more people if at all possible. How would I even do that? I didn’t mind being a sadist in all honesty. As long as it allowed me to do things for other people, that part of myself was completely acceptable.  
Then, as if a sign sent to me from god himself, they appeared on the TV, singing and dancing in front of a crowd. One was particularly large and it seemed like everyone else just got smaller alongside them. But, what amazed me most was the crowd. It was huge. That was it. This was exactly what I needed. That was the kind of attention that’d be required for me to get a better understanding of things.  
So, I put in the steps to get out of the hospital and apply for the auditions that were happening in the summer. I’m sure that I could balance idol work and school without much problems whatsoever. It was just a matter of switching my schedule around and trying to include the studying where I could. It would probably be a while before I had to actually learn something in a classroom at this rate anyways.  
Once I got back it took a few days, but I got no more attention than usual. Not even the teacher asked me if I was okay or if the damage was lasting. That was okay with me. I’d realized the damage I’d done in this class, so I somewhat deserved it. The part that got me was that what’s-her-face was no longer here.   
At lunch I went around to ask about her and managed to catch her name. It was apparently Kasumi. I wanted to give her my thanks, but apparently she had not returned to school due to being suspended. Seemed she was going to miss the finals. What a shame.  
When I went to the Faculty Office, my teacher of course didn’t want to give me her address. She felt that I was going to return the hospitalization back to her or something. I reassured her by telling her I was still vastly superior to that girl and didn’t plan on stooping down to her level. Somewhat convinced I wasn’t going to commit a murder, she hesitantly gave me her address.  
On the weekend, I boarded a train and started moving towards the area Kasumi lived in. I was taking time out of my studying to do this, she’d better appreciate it. As the train progressed, the living area clearly got worse and worse. I thought my home was small, but some of these neighborhoods looked absolutely run down. I repeatedly told myself I wasn’t just going to a giant junk heap and that these homes weren’t made out of burnables.  
It took me a while of walking through sketchy neighborhoods to find what should’ve been her place. This place…honestly looked like a large shed. Was this really a house? I hesitantly knocked the door considering I felt as if I’d be mugged at any second and I had to make sure I could get home.  
The woman who answered the door’s eyes were puffy and her dark hair was frazzled. It would be insulting to the universe to even try and compare her cuteness to mine, so I didn’t even bother. Honestly, she looked scary, so I quickly stepped back from the door.  
“Hello. My name is Sachiko. Is Kasumi home?”  
“Kasumi hasn’t been home in a few days.”  
“Is she staying with a relative?”  
“I don’t know. If you see her, tell her to come home.”  
The door shut on me before I could even offer a response. Did they not care about their child? She didn’t sound concerned in the least about Kasumi’s wellbeing. I had something I needed to say to her, but I had no idea how to find her to begin with… Had she really been living like this the entire time?  
Even when summer came around and finals were cleared, I hadn’t heard anything about Kasumi despite going to visit once more. I decided to put it behind me for now. If I could ever find her, I just wanted to give her a piece of my mind. For now, I’d put more time into preparing for auditions.  
Once the auditions came, I wasn’t actually prepared for the amount of people there. No, that’s not the right way to put it. The amount of distinguishable people there. People who’d catch my eye instantly. There were some ordinary looking people peppered around the room, but mostly those I’d actually consider near me in the cuteness factor or even women I’d call beautiful.  
Yes, this was where I wanted to be. Quickly, I took my seat that had the number given to me taped to it. I mentally steeled myself and looked around to address my competition once more. This was the most nervous I’d ever been in my life and I enjoyed it. I felt like I’d been living in a cave since I’d moved here.  
Slowly, people were called by their numbers in groups of varying sizes and into a closed room. The groups seemed to cap out at five, but went to as little as two. I couldn’t tell if we were competing against one another or we were being forced to work together. That was probably the point.  
When it was my time to come in, I was called into a pair with one of the less distinguishable people. If it was me next to her, then I’d probably get whatever slot was being offered, but I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes I made before. I had to make sure I listened intently to what was being asked of me this time and not just do whatever I wanted.  
Me and the girl were greeted by three men at a table and took the two seats in front of them. They were all older looking, which made me assume they had experience in this. They whispered to each other for a moment as they pulled two folders from a stack and rapidly perused them before addressing us.  
“So, starting with the madam on our right, why do you want to become an idol?”  
The girl besides me stood up and greeted them with a bow, quickly getting to the point at hand.  
“I think that everyone needs a light in their lives and I want to be that for someone, even if it’s only one person.”  
The words came out of her with complete confidence as if her craving was already accomplished to begin with. Perhaps judging her by her appearance was wrong. Next they addressed me and I stood and answered with all the dignity I could muster.  
“My goal is to not only help myself improve, but those who are feeling down. I want to give them a goal to reach. I want to be that goal. Something that will keep them moving forward trying to reach something they will never achieve, yet improving none the less.”  
I think my goals were honestly much more shallow before. I wanted to help people prior, but it was mostly to increase my own ego, I think. But, I had decided to rethink my goals since going to Kasumi’s home and meeting her mother. I want to be the cutest most perfect thing that anyone could ever achieve. If my normal, boring home was gold to someone, then I wanted them to try to get that. I would become an idol in the literal sense of the word. It would be for me and whoever chose to follow me.  
“Very good both of you,” All three of them clapped for us, apparently very pleased.  
Just as we both were about to sit again, one rose a hand to stop us before speaking.  
“Now, starting with Koshimizu-san, what do you think of the girl besides you?”  
I looked her up and down. It seems our goals were the same, but possibly very different. My explanation was much more long winded, but for once I didn’t feel like I was competing with someone. I think we both wanted the same thing for people at the end of the day.  
“She looks completely ordinary. So much so that I can barely acknowledge her in terms of appearance. However, her goals are admirable and might even coincide with my own. I hope I can be an idol for her as well.”  
I answered completely honest. I wasn’t here to impress people with tact or selective wording. If I was going to become an idol, then I needed to be honest with myself and everyone around me. There was a niche for everyone, even if it was small. People out there would definitely like me just for being myself, I just needed to find another agency to apply for if this didn’t work out.  
The girl answered before she was even addressed. She didn’t look at all phased by my criticisms of her appearance, in fact she was smiling as she gave her answer.  
“Her smile is quite obnoxious and her tone of speech is rather condescending. She’s small and yet I’m sure she’s the type that has an ego that is multitudes taller than she is. However, she has good intentions. I hope to guide her into the light soon.”  
Was she planning to kill me? I’ve never heard such a mixture of praise and what might be insults before. But, I could appreciate what I was hearing. I was myself at the end of the day, after all.  
“Very good…” The response from the judges was positive for both of us.  
From there the audition went swimmingly and upon exiting we went our separate ways. I would not judge people by their appearances again after today. That girl was a lot smarter than her outside appearance was telling me.  
I’d been told to meet my producer in a week at the address I had been given. I assumed he was the same as a manager, since they didn’t tell me much else. Regardless, I was happy to have something to do and move closer towards my goal.  
But, when I got to the building’s entrance, what I met with was not my Producer, but something much more dangerous. It was small and compact and made me clutch my heart the moment I started to focus on it. In fact, just being in its presence made me fall on one knee. Was this the power of idols? Or was this little girl just this powerful?  
“Are you okay?” Even her voice rippled through me and shot through my soul. This must’ve been what it was like to be around me…  
“I….”   
She was dressed in some kind of rabbit costume. And what the hell was that bow on the ear? This was what I’ve been missing all my life? Is this what true cuteness felt like? Have I been setting the bar too low all this time?  
Perhaps out of her concern, she started to pet my head. It seems this idol thing was going to be much more competitive than I’d thought. This was a small child destroying me just by being in her presence. This only solidified my reason for being here. I would surpass this child first and foremost and then work on whatever other horrors were here.  
“What is your name?” I slowly made my way to feet.  
“Ichihara Nina. Are you okay?” The genuine concerned in her face only hurt me further.  
“I’m fine, Ichihara-san. How can I help you?” I was trying desperately to save face.  
“I’m going to guide you to our Producer. Come with me.”  
For once in my life, I felt somewhat inferior as I followed this child. I had never instantly felt trumped in cuteness before. The suit, her face and long hair was making me feel as if all of the compliments I’d ever gotten were from the inexperienced. This was much more entertaining than my school. I would destroy Ichihara in terms of fans and being adorable. That was the first step.

It was about a year into my idoling career that I realized what it was truly like to have fans. There was a lot of motivation in it from hearing that people liked your work and at the same time, some people were very weird during direct meetings and the like. It seemed I appealed very much to both the sadist and masochist crowd. Some were very much unreserved about telling me what side they were on.  
If there was anything I’d learned from being an idol, it was that the spotlight wouldn’t always be 100% on me. I couldn’t be part of everything. But, that was just something I’d learned, not something I accepted. To me, it was really annoying when someone else was getting more attention than me, so I always tried to get more than everyone either in front or behind me.  
My favorite part about being here was that most of the people here didn’t hate me for being competitive. Overtime, I’d come to realize that dealing with your average person was extremely boring. I wanted to be more than that and even more so, I wanted to be around people who didn’t dislike me for trying to move forward.  
But, the most fun was working with people. I’d never really had friends before, so dealing with this kind of thing was hard for me to get used to. I started realizing I wasn’t actually hurting people and they accepted me for who I am. Some weren’t as competitive as me and did this for fun and I’d learned to accept that.  
It wasn’t until a lot of exposure that I’d managed to meet with Kasumi again. I’d come out the office one night after a long day and there she was, standing right outside the building on the sidewalk. At first I was shocked, but most likely she’d seen me on TV. However, my question was why she’d come to see me instead of vice-versa. I was worried she wanted to fight me, so I’d kept my distance.  
“Hello, Kasumi,” I’d decided to start gently as to not agitate her. She might blame me for her leaving school, so pushing her wasn’t a good idea. “How are you doing lately?”  
“You’ve learned my name, huh? It took me being kicked out of school to do that?” Her tone wasn’t aggressive for once. It seemed she was joking, but she was right on with her reasoning.  
“I visited your house multiple times and you weren’t there at all. I’ve been looking for you, but I wanted to say thank you. I can’t say you taught me too much, but I’ve learned a little about what my personality does to people.” I made sure that I got straight to the point.  
“What a coincidence,” She scratched her head, laughing a little nervously. “I’ve come to apologize about all the stuff I did to you. Honestly, I was jealous that you coasted so easily through your life.”  
“It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t coasting. I spent a lot of time and hard work on what I was doing. Why should I let someone like you wear me out?”  
“It’s exactly that attitude right there that made people dislike you, Koshimizu.” She laughed a little, but I didn’t dare move forward at all.  
“If you’re not planning to stab me, I’m willing to hug you.”  
“Huh? I’m not going to put my hands on you ever again. Why else would I apologize?”  
“Are you saying you want a hug from someone as cute as me? Have you succumbed to me finally?”  
“Not at all. Honestly, you motivated me to get out of my living situation after I knocked you into that desk.”  
“So, did you get expelled or suspended?”  
“I’m lucky I didn’t get thrown into juvie. Some people vouched that it was an accident, and others that saw me hit you told the truth.”  
“I think that’s pretty stupid. You did hit me at the end of the day.”  
“And I hit you fast.”  
“You definitely did. I woke up in the hospital wondering where I even was.”  
I laughed. It wasn’t even out of nervousness, I genuinely found it funny at that point. She’d put in so much effort and it had only ended up motivating me in the long run. I think that we’d just ended up motivating the other to move on. Did this mean that I’d won? Or maybe I was missing something…  
With that, she bowed forward. It was a very deep one. I’m sure she was trying to show her sincerity the best way she could. I don’t know what she’d been doing over the past year or so, but I think I could say that I’d motivated someone before I’d had even become an idol. Or maybe it was my idolhood that even gave her the push to come see me. She never bothered to tell me even when I asked.  
Thinking about it, I’m sure she motivated me in one way or another. I was never quite satisfied with ruling over people who were inferior to me, but that hospital visit had definitely taught me the kind of person I was. If I hadn’t gone through that conversation with my father, I’m sure I would’ve gone through life assuming I was correct most of the time.


End file.
